GanjaTaz.com ~ Version 3.1 Beta ~ You can now Purchase GanjaTaz.com T-Shirts!


.

General Bollocks.

Here you will find a collection of jokes & other funny shitz.

Collected from around the world & from the net.

Credit for what is here will be given if it is known who created, wrote or 'shopped it.

Or it will be obvious from whence it came...

Hello World

It's a Dell!

Go phone someone who gives a fuck

U2 G.T LYRICS   ;]

"Where The Servers Have No Name"

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the Harddrives
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the Mainframe
Where the servers have no name

I want to feel standard compliant html on my face
I see the spyware cloud disappear
Without a trace because I did a full Search and Destroy scan
I want to take shelter from the santy worm strain
Where the servers have no name

Where the servers have no name
Where the servers have no name
We're still building better HTML compliant Web sites
Then burning down the Internet Explorer only pages
Burning down love for Microsoft
And when I go there
I go there with you
I go there with Firefox by Mozilla
It's all I can do

The webs aflood with spam
And our mail turns to junk
We're beaten and blown by the spyware
Trampled by the Trojans
I'll show you a place
High on a faster bit rate plain
Where the servers have no name

Where the servers have no name
Where the servers have no name
We're still building better HTML compliant Web sites
Then burning down the Internet Explorer only pages
Burning down love for Microsoft
And when I go there
I go there with you
I go there with Firefox by Mozilla
It's all I can do
Our love of Microsoft turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the script errors
Blown over by the errors from the W3C validator
Oh, and I love to see those W3C compliant Web Pages with badges
See our love turn to Cross Compliant Browser pages
We're not beaten and blown by the browser crash no more
Not caught out by bad scripts or infested by pop ups
Oh, when I go there
I go there with you
I go there with Firefox by Mozilla
It's all I can do

Original Lyrics by U2 obviously, well they have skill.
Firefox Friendly Version Edit by G.T just for fun.

25th December 2004.   (:<


 

Ossies AK-47.

100 reasons (It's great being a guy.)

Battle of the sexes.

Bloke jokes.

Blonde jokes.

Bumper stickers.

Cheers (Norm Peterson's entrance one liners.)

Dirty mind test.

English Language in the E.E.C.

In the beginning...

Insurance statements.

Jokes for the ladies.

Lawyers and Gods...

Letters...

Murphy's laws.

Sexercise!

Star signs...

The Simpsons (Bart's chalkboard gags)

Who is Jack Schitt?

Attention whore.

100 reasons;

It's great being a guy.

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter
8. You can open all your own jars
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight
10. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying
12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews
13. All your orgasms are real
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards)
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17. You understand why Stripes is funny
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19. Your last name stays put
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you
22. You can kill your own food
23. The garage is all yours
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow
27. You never have to clean a toilet
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend
32. Your underwear costs £10 for a three-pack
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. You don't have to shave below your neck
35. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
38. You can write your name in the snow
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original colour
41. Chocolate is just another snack
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat
44. Flowers fix everything
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough
49. You can eat a banana
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth
58. You don't give a monkeys if anyone notices your new haircut
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He must be mad at me'.
60. The world is your urinal
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
64. One mood, all the time
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too 'skeevy'
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72. Wedding dress: £1,500; morning suit rental: £50
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
79. ESPN's SportsCenter
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
81. Bachelor parties beat the hell out of bridal showers
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man
87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere


...and in the interest of gender equality!


Things that suck about being a guy;

1. You have to take out the garbage
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000
3. No sofas in your restrooms
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs
5. Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years
7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours
8. You have to wear ties
9. You can't flirt you way out of a jam
10. "Women and children first."
11. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview
12. Your orgasms are real. Always.
13. Your last name stays put
14. The garage is all yours
15. Wedding plans take care of themselves
16. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
17. Car mechanics tell you the truth
18. You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut
19. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
20. Wrinkles add character
21. A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished
22. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments
23. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
24. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
25. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
26. Porn movies are designed with you in mind
27. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them
28. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
29. You can appreciate great sport
30. You can throw a ball more than 5 feet
31. One mood, ALL the damn time.
32. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase
33. You can open all your own jars
34. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind
35. You can go to a public toilet without a support group
36. You can leave a hotel bed unmade
37. You can kill your own food
38. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
39. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend
40. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices
41. Everything on your face stays its original colour
42. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat
43. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
44. You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming
45. You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
46. You don't mooch off other's desserts
47. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
48. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends
49. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours
50. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt
51. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
52. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
53. You don't have to shave below your neck
54. Your belly usually hides your big hips
55. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
56. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife
57. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
58. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
59. Same job... more pay
60. The world is your urinal

Back to the top of the page.

Fucktard Bureau of Investigation.

Battle of the sexes.

The Differences;

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
 

The Workplace;

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.

Relationships;

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are a man's best friend.
Now you know which sex is smarter.

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.

Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

Love;

Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her.
To women, love is an occupation.
To men, a preoccupation.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage;

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.


The Battle;

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

On Men;

If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.


On Women;

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Back to the top of the page.

Troll Alert.

Bloke jokes.

HAZARDOUS MATERIAL INFORMATION BULLETIN
=======================================
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET:

Woman: A chemical analysis:
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass:
Accepted as 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40Kg to 200Kg.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if incorrectly used.
5) Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously without prior warning for no known reason.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5) Most common money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3) Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


HAZARDS:
1) Highly dangerous except in dangerous hands.
2) Illegal to possess more than one, though several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Back to the top of the page.
 

You made America proud.

Microsoft's guide to women.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law and Brother-In-Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.

I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.

If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS/Money files before doing the uninstall itself.

Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Back to the top of the page.

Blow me.


Pussy Willow.
 

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

Hey kid! The farmer says. 'Where ya going' with that wire?

'Well, the kid drawls, this isn’t just any old wire, this here's chicken wire--I'm fixing to catch me some chickens!

You can't catch chickens with chicken wire! Sure I can the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in the chicken wire.

Well the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

Hey kid! The farmer yells. 'Where ya going with that tape?

'Well, this here isn’t just any old tape, this here's duck tape--I'm fixing to catch me some ducks!

You can't catch ducks with duck tape!, the farmer yells back. Sure I can! The kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

Hey kid! The farmer says. 'Where ya going with that stick? Well, this here isn’t just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.

'Hang on, the farmer says. "I'll get my hat.

Back to the top of the page.

fux0r joo.


"SPEAK UP I'M DEAF!"

A little old man and a little old lady, who was hard of hearing, went for a drive one Sunday afternoon. After pulling onto the freeway a policeman pulled them over.


"Can I see your drivers license?" asked the policeman to the little old man.

"What, what did he say?" said the little old lady.

"He said he wanted to see my drivers license." replied the little old man.

" I see your from Monmouth, N.J." observed the policeman.

"What, what did he say?" said the little old lady.

"Said he sees we're from Monmouth" replied the little old man.

"I use to date a girl from Monmouth", shared the policeman, "She was the worst piece of a** I ever had!"

"What, what did he say?" said the little old lady.

"Said he thinks he knows you!" replied the little old man.

Back to the top of the page.

I R l33t3r.


The $100 tattoo.


A guy goes to the tattoo parlour and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now".

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his willie. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, Ilike to watch my money grow.

And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

Back to the top of the page.


O.K!


The price of love.
 

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Back to the top of the page.


Phone someone.



If Men Wrote The Rules...  (makes sense w/o joking.)

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, "This is our exit?" is not necessary.

12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Back to the top of the page.


Get the n0b!


15 Laws For Women To Live By.
 

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Back to the top of the page.

pot-kettle-black

Blonde jokes.

Telling a Blonde Joke;

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


* 1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted!
* 2. Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone.
* 3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant.
* 4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
* 5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.
* 6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits.
* 7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
* 8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. 9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
* 10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job.
* 11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
* 12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
* 13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.
* 14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement? A: An IN-body experience!
* 15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
* 16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
* 17. Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme.
* 18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
* 19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears.
* 20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
* 21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out.
* 22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
* 23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
* 24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
* 25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
* 26. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
* 27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
* 28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
* 29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck.
* 30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper A2: They cant find the pull tab.
* 32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
* 33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through.
* 34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.
* 35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.
* 36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." 37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
* 38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth.
* 39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers.
* 40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear.
* 41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show!
* 42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
* 43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: She was run over by the zambonis machine..
* 45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
* 46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it.
* 47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it.
* 48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T.
* 49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First.
* 50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front.
* 51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter.
* 52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.
* 53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear A2: Buy her another beer.
* 54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."
* 55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
* 56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces them self A2: Walks home.
* 57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilized.
* 58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized.
* 59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door.
* 60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door.
* 61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room.
* 62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room.
* 63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? A: Bucket seats.
* 64. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A1: "Thanks, Guys!" A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?" A3: Do you guys all play for the ? A4: Who were all those guys?.
* 65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn.
* 66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
* 67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?.
* 68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?*.
* 69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex!
* 70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next" A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out.
* 71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. 73. Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings? A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
* 74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
* 75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'..  That's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
* 76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused.
* 77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A1: "What's a light bulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
* 78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
* 79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar.
* 80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide.
* 81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes.
* 82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit.
* 83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
* 84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
* 85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?. 86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
* 87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.
* 88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
* 89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
* 90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. 91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
* 92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is.
* 93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out.
* 94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
* 95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
* 96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A: Her IQ goes up!
* 97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
* 98. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
* 99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
* 100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Back to the top of the page.

Camel Sucky Sucky

Bumper stickers - Seen on the rear bumpers of cars around the world.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
I'm just driving this way to piss you off
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
1,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest??
Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot
Forget world peace - visualize turning off your indicator!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where there's a will...I want to be in it!
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I have the body of a God .......... Buddha
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
If we quit voting will they all go away?
This bumper sticker exploits illiterates
Eat right, exercise, die anyway
Honk if anything falls off
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit
He who laughs last thinks slowest

Back to the top of the page.

Jeff Goldblum says

Cheers.

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes:

"Can I draw you a beer Norm?" "No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound Norm?" "I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking Norm?" "All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?" "Going Down?"

"What's new Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach, and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be Normie?" "Just the usual coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer Normie?" "Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?" "Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."

"Oh, looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say Norm?" "Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."

"What'd you say to a beer Norm?" "Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain) "Evening everybody" (Everybody) "Norm!" "Still pouring Norm?" "That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?" "Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

"Hey Norm, How's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?" "No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?" "It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey, Mr Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?" "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?" "Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."

"Women, can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on Mr Peterson?" "The question is, 'what's going in Mr. Peterson?' A beer please!" Woody." (Woody) "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" (Norm) "A little early isn't it, Woody?" (Woody) "For a beer?" (Norm) "No, for stupid Questions."

Back to the top of the page.

Dragons Den

Dirty mind test.

Questions...
1.
What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2.
What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3.
What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they often blow it?
4.
What word starts with f and ends with uck?
5.
Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt. One of which is a word for a woman?
6.
What does a dog do that you can step into?
7.
What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8.
What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9.
What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10.
What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife after they are married?




Answers...

1.
What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
talk.
2.
What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
legs.
3.
What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they often blow it?
A £10 note.
4.
What word starts with f and ends with uck?
firetruck.
5.
Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt. One of which is a word for a woman?
bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt.
6.
What does a dog do that you can step into?
pants.
7.
What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
fork.
8.
What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
a Snickers bar.
9.
What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
grit.
10.
What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife after they are married?
their surname.

Back to the top of the page.

Why

English language in the European Economic Community.

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.


European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee of staff at top level by participating nations.


In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.


There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.


In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.


We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.


Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.


Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Back to the top of the page.

In the beginning...

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said


:Where's the I/O switch?.........Let there be light!


#Enter user id.
<DIR>

:God


#Enter password.


:Omniscient


#Password incorrect. Try again.


:Omnipotent


#Password incorrect. Try again.


:Technocrat


#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.


:Let there be light!


#Unrecognizable command. Try again.


:Create light


#Done


:Run heaven and earth


#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.


#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.


:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light


#Unrecognizable command. Try again.


:Create firmament


#Done.


:Run firmament


#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.


#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.


:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and


#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.


:Create dry_land


#Done.


:Run firmament


#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.


#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.


:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night


#Unspecified type. Try again.


:Create sun_moon_stars


#Done


:Run sun_moon_stars


#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.


#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.


:Create fish


#Done


:Create fowl


#Done


:Run fish, fowl


#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.


#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.


#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.


:Create cattle


#Done


:Create creepy_things


#Done


:Now let us make man in our image


#Unspecified type. Try again.


:Create man

#Done


:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth


#Too many command operands. Try again.


:Run multiplication


#Execution terminated. 6 errors.


:Insert breath


#Done


:Run multiplication


#Execution terminated. 5 errors.


:Move man to Garden of Eden


#File Garden of Eden does not exist


:Create Garden.edn


#Done


:Move man to Garden.edn


#Done


:Run multiplication


#Execution terminated. 4 errors.


:Copy woman from man


#Done


:Run multiplication


#Execution terminated. 3 errors.


:Insert woman into man


#Illegal parameters. Try again.


:Insert man into woman


#Done


:Run multiplication


#Execution terminated. 2 errors.


:Create desire


#Done


:Run multiplication


#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.


:Create freewill


#Done


:Run freewill


#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.


:Undo desire


#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.


:Destroy freewill


#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.


:Help


#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.


:Create tree_of_knowledge


#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.


:Create good, evil


#Done


:Activate evil


#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.


:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman


#Search failed.


:Delete shame


#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.


:Destroy freewill


#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.


:Stop


#Unrecognizable command. Try again


:Break
:Break
:Break


#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.


:Create new world


#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.


:Destroy earth


#Destroy earth: Please confirm.


:Destroy earth confirmed


#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
</DIR>

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.


Then God said "Oh shit, I knew I shouldn't have bought a second hand hard drive and installed Windows!"

Back to the top of the page.

Insurance claims.

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.


1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Back to the top of the page.

Jokes for the ladies;

The Mermaid story.

These three fisherman were out fishing and caught a mermaid. She told them if they let her go, she would grant them each one wish.

The first guy wished for his I.Q. to be doubled. The mermaid said "Done" and with that his I.Q. was doubled.

The next guy thought that sounded like a good idea; but he wanted his tripled. She said "Done" and with that his I.Q. was tripled.

The next guy thought about it and decided that being really intelligent was a great idea, but he wanted to be smarter than the other two so he wanted his I.Q. quadrupled.

The mermaid warned him that his view of the whole universe would change and life as he knew it would change forever. He persisted and finally she agreed, and said "Done".

And with that he became a woman.
 

Back to the top of the page.


One in the hand.
 

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student (there is always one!) pipes up with, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with.
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Back to the top of the page.

3 Nuns at the gates of Heaven.

Three nuns died and went up to heaven. St. Peter said," Before you enter the pearly white gates into heaven, you must all first answer one question." So the nuns agreed.

St. Peter turned to the first nun," What was the name of the first man?" he asked. The nun tapped her cheek. "Um... Adam." she replied. Then the thunders rolled, the angels sang, and she was let into heaven.

So St. Peter turned to the second nun." What was the name of the first woman?" he asked. The nun tapped her cheek. "Um... Eve." she replied. Then the thunders rolled, the angels sang, and she was let into heaven.

St. Peter then turned to the third nun. "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" he asked. She tapped her cheek. "Hmmm...that's a hard one." she replied. Then the thunders rolled, the angels sang, and she was let into heaven.

Back to the top of the page.

3 Sisters get married.
 

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She sneaked by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

"Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."


Back to the top of the page.

Then god created woman.
 

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.


Back to the top of the page.

A date of mourning.

October 30, 1996 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out.

Back to the top of the page.

Lawyers and Gods...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time.

God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."

The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point God created Hell.

Back to the top of the page.


Jobs and what they really mean...


ACCOUNTANT someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

ACTUARY someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

AUDITOR someone who arrives after the battle and stabs all the wounded.

BANKER a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

CONSULTANT someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time DIPLOMAT someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

ECONOMIST an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

EXPERT an individual who spends their entire life learning more and more about less and less until finally they know absolutely everything about absolutely nothing.

LAWYER a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

LECTURER one who talks in someone else's sleep.

MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

PROGRAMMER someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

PSYCHOLOGIST a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

SCHOOLTEACHER a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

STATISTICIAN someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

Back to the top of the page.

Letters...

These are genuine extracts taken from letters of complaints written in to a local councils complaints department. Whoever had the pleasure of reading these was a very luck person indeed, and I think must really enjoy there job if these are anything to go by!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage ...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant we are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore It's his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


Back to the top of the page.

General funny letters and E-Mails;
 

These are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of 'Fortune Magazine'

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this officer.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report)

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

So dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Back to the top of the page.

Murphy's laws.

1.  The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.  Nothing improves with age.
3.  No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.  Sex has no calories.
5.  Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.  There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.  Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.  No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.  Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.  A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.  If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.  Virginity can be cured.
13.  When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.  Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.  The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16.  Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17.  It is always the wrong time of month.
18.  The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19.  When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20.  Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21.  Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22.  The younger the better.
23.  The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24.  It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25.  Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26.  Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27.  There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28.  Love your neighbours, but don't get caught.
29.  Love is a hole in the heart.
30.  If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31.  Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32.  Do it only with the best.
33.  Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34.  One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35.  You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36.  Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37.  It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38.  Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39.  Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40.  Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41.  Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42.  A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43.  What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44.  It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45.  Never say no.
46.  A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47.  Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48.  Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49.  Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50.  A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51.  Love comes in spurts.
52.  The world does not revolve on an axis.
53.  Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54.  Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55.  Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56.  There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57.  Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58.  Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59."   This won't hurt, I promise."

Back to the top of the page.

Sexercise!

Sex - a good exercise!
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities.

Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:

With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASM:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories


Apparently a good 20 minute shag is the equivalent of a 3 mile jog, I know which one I'll be doing, my trainers stink anyway!

Either way, I am not sleeping in the wet patch!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the top of the page.

The Simpsons.

The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, reminiscent of the whole "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. The writers of the Simpsons are famous for changing the opening and closing credits, so that Bart writes a different sentence during the opening credits of each episode. Someone apparently went through the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These are some of the collected writings of the Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits. Even you're not a fan, you'll like these.


I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an Emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Back to the top of the page.

STAR SINS

(Typo intended!) ;]


Russell Grant "MY ARSE", how people can even believe that 20 million people are going to have the same day is beyond me. Here's a more cynical view of your star signs.


ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding. Keep this star sign away from the cake at all cost!


CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered. Preferably in some horrible, painful way!


LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. The vicar won't even show up!


CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centred cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy and you'd shaft him in a flash. Stop writing your number in the confession box!


TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss. The bottle of Hai Karate isn't covering it!


LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on welfare. You always did like free and easy living!


SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. - Honestly, you always have snot on your clothes. That's why Green suits you!


AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. You are always looking for the toilet roll inners to satisfy your sexual depravity!


GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill themselves to win a bet. Peeps keep trying to get you to bet on this!


VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores. You suffer VD like people tolerate a cold!


SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest. You suck. What's more your no good at any of them!


PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick. School was just a phase that you went through where you learned to wank!

Back to the top of the page.

Who is Jack Schitt?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says;

"You don't know Jack Schitt".
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt,  the owner of Needeep N.Schitt Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However,  after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
 

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced The Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Back to the top of the page.

 



Home Page Navigatiob Button - favicon ico ebil Smiley by G.T. All Electronic Payments Dealt with Via Paypal Only. Version Unknown Logo Image. Copyright or Legal Concerns Information Button - The Judge Smiley.  HTML 4.01 Transistional Valid - Ticked Image.
Is it 56k Friendly?  This Webmaster uses:
[[Firefox]] to check his WebPages for your surfing pleasure.Cheesey.
Is it finished?  Is it the Latest Version?  Report Broken/Image/Link?
Version 3.1beta Page.  This component last Edited/Revised: on Monday, 03 July 2006 14:40:55
Main Server Powered by Backed up by ~ GanjaTaz.co.uk 2003 ~ GanjaTaz.com 2004
Server Last Revised: 07/03/06. - Web Page Author [GanjaTaz] Copyright Logo Trade Mark Logo - All rights reserved.